So I promised myself that I would be a more disciplined blogger this year! I REALLY hope I succeed. I haven't posted in a bit and I am not sure anyone even cares but I truly have missed it and I so very much enjoy and value your insights. This is why, I am up earlier than my crew on a Sunday morning to begin.I am not listening to the fact that I can not "find the time" and am assigning value to what I love enough to do and will "make the time" just as I do for children's activities. I am determined in 2011 to establish why moms do not do this more. My hypothesis is that despite the logic and despite the desire, the heart will always overrule. When the choice is between ourselves, our husbands , friends and kids, the kids of course win. The reality is, for the sake of our marriage, it should sometimes be our husbands because the kids really do appreciate a two parent household if they ever had one. Other times it should be ourselves because if we are sick or unhappy the entire system collapses anyway. Still other times it should be outside work because we need to pay the bills or as i do, really love that autonomous piece of ourselves. I got to thinking, "Why do we not logically approach things as logically as we approach things for others? ". My conclusion is that I do it by my own choice. I just don't choose me enough. The root of which is the same one I preach on the yoga mat. "We suffer from the mind's belief that we are actually in control". We want and how we want is the only way we can accept peace. I do not behave nor educate my children this way and i know it is because i love them and do not want them to suffer by choice. I am testing this theory this year by adding a new member to my family , my inner child and I will try my hardest to parent her. This year I make a few promises to the new child of my household and you will be witness to the journey.
Promise #1) I will try to present accountability and logic in a way that you the adolescent child within will listen. So have you done it yet? You know, heard your mother's words come out of your mouth and cringe! I know it is such a blow of enlightenment when it happens. Suddenly you understand the consequences of certain actions and you do not want your child to suffer so I promise to work as hard as I do to parent myself as I do to parent the other fruits of my loin. Number one is to live more by taking accountability for my actions and try not to blame others. My suggestion stems from my constant quandry as to why moms hardly practice the healthy behaviors they preach and to what they qualify as a necessary reason why they could not do something as important as this for themselves. They kept me up all night, my work schedule is crazy, I try but I just don't find it interesting. I know it is healthy but I don't like the way it tastes. I am too fat for that, I am too weak for that, You just don't understand how hard my life is. I am trying my best. Problem is, I hear this almost everyday from my 11 year old and i call her on it often. Conclusion: I need to care for myself as an adolescent.
Back in the day, I acted in physiological, mental and emotional chaos. I justified because i knew more than anyone else , no one understood my needs and I was magically invincible. I wanted alot and never needed. I stayed up late because I wanted to. I did not eat right, wasted time gossiping for power and honored other's opinions of me more than my own under the excuse of my age and puberty. I was an overachiever and it was praised because I was popular, a leader and got good grades. How did I never self destruct? Apparently science has proven that my brain was wired for self destruction at that age so I was prepared to survive the lack of enperience and impulse control I suffered phisiologically from. Well Ladies, those of you finding all of the above behavioral tendencies as still a fact of life may still want to blame hormones, the kids, financial hardship and society but you are older and your brain and body is not as equipped to act this way. Thankfully you are smarter than that anyway and really should have developed impulse control by now. So have you? That is what my mat work on the mat is for this year. It is not for the firm muscles or the flexibility. There I vow to spend time with my inner child and listen. I want to learn why she acted like that and did not choose better. If I sit there and blame or condem I will either be tuned out or become the enemy. This is what I may hear my mother on the mat say." You should have the control to rest when you need to." "Someone else may need to learn how to respect your time and efforts to do so." " You should NEVER NEED to give your time to check your Facebook if you have not fed, bathed or exercised that day". "You should not find any pleasure in another's pain because you have established the confidence and enlightenment to not need to rely on feeling empowered in this way." I know that To love myself I will need to help that child see the facts as I see them. Then I need to listen to hear her point of view then I need to pray that despite the fact that teen in me knows EVERYTHING already, I hope she hears enough to want to suffer a bit towards an intention of a greater good in the future.
HMMM! this does sound a lot like me speaking to my 11 year old girl after a particularly rough day amongst the queen bees of middle school. In my business, "the kids" comes up a lot! All I need to do is approach a situation as a mom to myself. Lets do this together this year. Next month, Promise #2.