The Darkness:Of Third Chakra

It has been a couple of months since my last blog and I am sorry for that but one thing a parent learns fast is that discipline is easier to ask for in word than to demonstrate by action.  I thought I had absolutely no discipline these past two months.  I felt overwhelmed. My work towards all my many professional endevors fell to the side as I sought out the mommy hat and committed towards all those year end obligations at the kids school and organized their fun in the sun for the coming summer. Of course during my hiatus I saw my private practice finally expand and transform Belly Guru life into that of a full centered studio. All good and necessary but as I donned my mommy hat, I quietly walked away from my personal yoga practice and with that my clarity.  After all, with more "parenting" commitments something had to give.  Unfortunately, as is  often the case with moms, it was my extra curricular activities that got axed. Without the stillness of my yoga, It was such a sneaky transition too.  

Within 2 weeks, I allowed my mind to wander into judgment of myself against all the "home making career moms" that made end of year gifts look like a year of planning and creativity went into them. I was neither that mom or  the percieved "more accomplished" full time career seeking mom who had a boss to please that gave them the rewards to spoil their kids and their teachers. I looked at my gift cards and my child's artwork and wondered if the teacher would think It was enough. Of course, looking back, the real issue was would it mean I am not enough of a mom. Then came June with swim team,  travel and career balancing around summer schedules and childcare .How the heck does anyone pull this off with more than a couple of kids??? It took me away from teaching and even attending class at my own center. I reached my limit the third week. In a full out brawl with the kids , my 7 year old yelled he was going off to meditate and that we should all do our Yoga" thunder breaths", a pranyama technique I adapted for the kids to blow off some anger. Well that shut us up. I yelled "Surrender!" towards the heavens, my daughter ran off to cry, we cancelled a long weekend dragging the kids around D.C and I stayed still. Without my yoga, Illusion prevailed.Third chakra my nemesis once again had complete power.  I was the worst parent. Darn Ego.

 The balance of third chakra

Third chakra holds the ego.  In life and parenting, it is a double edged sword. On one hand the fire gives confidence and will power to do much good and on the other hand that same fire and willpower can easily intoxicate you into believing it is all about you and that the activities and accomplishments of the kids' lives must be a reflection of you.   As a parent I take pride in the fact that my kids have always loved their themed birthday parties, creative rooms and crafts.  I am still amused with the fact that I actually recreated an Ace of Cakes worthy Elmo replication for my daughter's first birthday . But left unchecked by certain disciplines, third chakra is dangerously addictive. With that fire came the tendency to overload. With that came the illusion that I was stuck on the rollar coaster demands of life as a mom/business owner. I manifestedf family meltdowns as I yelled at the creativity getting paint on the carpeted floors or that the experiements the kids produced would one day lead them to injury. So come mid June, as I asked my husband , who by the way owns his own business, to take on more than he admitted he could chew and the kids revolted into actually crying when the daytime nanny was called off because "she is fun" , I wondered why two hours before I was happy I had a cancellation and could be home.

Enlightenment

 I guess the fact that my lack of action on the mat corrolating with my parenting becoming less than yogic in thought, word and deed did little to knock me off my game until my kid Guru, in his 7year old profound and enlightened voice yelled out amongst the before mentioned brawl that he was "going off to meditate . At that moment I remembered my obligation to parent as a yogi was my gift. Through taking my action and words off the mat and into my family's world,  I had been joyfully making an impact that mattered more than any DVD, professional title or thought out trip to the President's house could ever do. Demonstrating a discipline to Live my Yoga  offered  a definate step by step path for immediate enlightment. My son got it, Why with all my experience had I notI?  So to get back to my first sentence and the key to how parenting and yoga blend.. I am here , With some assemblance of emerging discipline, I am parent, I am student and I am back on my mat and writing my Blog. **OM'

 "Do it because it has to be done"  -Sri Dharma Mittra

 So I have been absent on the Blog front for a month and so I say ,"sorry". As I opened my Family Yoga Training center in Pineville, NC over the last two months, I was also late on some fundraising for my kids, some marketing for my business, some loving for my man and am still trying to catch up on my quota of me time. You know real quality, I never felt so empowered by aloneness and freedom to do as I please" time. Not the often  "I am the only one home with a load of laundry" me time but rather the "Ah, finally some guiltless, I actually am caught up with my life" me time.  AHHH, thank you God for yoga!!!!  

 Well in the world of yogic science, one does not deal with many food allergies because one does not necessarily eat many of the contaminants and types of food that carry high allergy risks. Children brought up into a yogic houshold preety much go from breast to nutrient dense products in a variety of colors and consistencies.  When you are practicing a non harming life, you tend not to partake in consuming flesh when you can just as well live on non flesh products.  Remember babies are bubbly and light and active and for most , if not more of their first year you they grow and change everyday with little exposure to high risk allergins. Yogic diets tend to stay as simple as those first years. a handful of berries, some prunes, dates and yes the highest risk to their allergin exposure, nuts. I often wonder if our production cycle of these proteins is the problem verses the substance itself because seeds and nuts are prevailant in a non meat based, nutrient dense diets but the nuts are consumed in less quantities.  Even without the nuts, what is necessary is providing yourself nutrients.Nutrient dense food is becomming more and more of a rarity and I wonder could that be a piece of our allery puzzle. Could it be what we do not have verses what we have when we have an allergy?  As a more serious aspirant of yoga one will make a point to eat  cleaner foods before conception and not just because they are pregnant because those food are digested better and give more energy and essential nutrients to begin with.It makes sense to let food run it's natural course and not pump it up with a chemical "preserving" it for your schedule. I am not one to say I have not resorted to a frozen meal now and again but make it more quality product to begin with.Remember clean foods have a short shelf life because they are alive and can give life to you. Would you care to eat a hamburger from the meat of an old cow that could no longer produce enough milk to be useful and was sent and injected with hormones to beef it up and make it appear preetier and then after slaughter treated again with chemicals to make it last longer before decay???  So why eat plant based or grain products this way? I do not know the research but I have not come across one disciplined diet yogi in readings or in person who expressed to me they had or had know another serious practitioner that had food allergies. In fact, I have only come across people who swore the health benefits and subsequent detoxification practices of the holy science of yoga and aryuveda helped eliminate the allergy.It seems logical that taking care of what you put in and out of your body, even if it means more dedication, less sensory gratification, more planning and more initial effort to obtain, actually goes a very long way. Like anything else, after a bit of work transitioning, it would seem the benefits verses the risks would make it a necessity. In school I heard of my teacher's, guru's guru's guru surviving 4 years on almonds and their milk alone in deep meditation. I guess that is a testament to how much we consume and have strayed from the ideal fact that we should eat to live and NOT live to eat but that my friends is a topic for another day. Be Well.

Yoga like Valentine's Day is all about attachment. Well actually , it is about detachment from that which no longer serves it's purpose and attachment to that which is a productive element.  Motherhood rides such a constant balance of attachment, detachment and reattachment that it is often perplexing as to how we all make it through. For 40 weeks we focus on our attachment with this little life inside only to wish by week 37 that it were out. Within moments of his or her birth we are reattached through feedings, cuddles and cries only to find ourselves exausted and wanting detachment from those very same things in the coming weeks.  It follows this pattern for the rest of our lives.  We want junior to grow but mourn the loss of their innocence. We work our hardest to help them get to the most perfect college, meet friends, get married and leave only to miss them being at home under our watchful eye.  Yes being a mom is one big emotional roller coaster. 

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Integration of the whole person. Integration of multiple disciplines. Integration of different foundational principles. Integration of nature, etc.  It seems logical to approach health care from this perspective but here in America, this is not the case. All of these aspects are part of what one would call Integrative medicine and while some integrative medicines are beginning to emerge locally, it is more unique. The westernized traditional medicine we see here is based upon a model of single system failure. Various specialties or disciplines view their patient's complaints via their chosen organ or model of study. So if a 55 year old overweight male goes to the orthopedist with a Left shoulder pain, he will most definately have some deconditioned shoulder muscles and so is likely to be diagnosed with a Left shoulder orthopedic problem.  That same person may present to their cardiologist the next day to get his blood work about high cholesterol but by the doctor not routinely addressing lifestyle changes and only looking at the blood work from last week , the doctor fails to learn the patient has stopped attending the gym due to regular indigestion and left shoulder pain. Day four the patient attends physical therapy as referred by his orthopedist for his shoulder and tells the therapist how stressed he has been due to a job lay off and is concerned he may not be able to attend sessions due to cost.  The physical therapist notes that his shoulder is stronger than she would expect for the diagnosis but since the doctor has sent a specific protocol with this diagnosis instead of an order to genuinely evaluate and treat, she treats the shoulder as ordered and refers the client to the billing office to assess financial needs.  Day 5, The patient is rushed to the ER and is diagnosed with a massive heart attack.  How could three medical professionals not notice the signs????

The answer is a classic lack of integrating all the pieces.  Each of these people knows the heart refers pain to the left shoulder.  They know that stress, poor diet, obesity and high cholesterol can lead to cardiac disease but the connections are not readily seen in a system where evaluation looks endlessly for the missing tree instead of the state of the forest. The pieces only add up to the whole when the whole is seen as the summation of it's pieces.  Integrative medicine professionals like myself aim to take their evaluations as a possible piece of the puzzle. Objectives are flexible and subject to the patient's report or subjective. We continuously seek to find co team members that may be able to facillitate our procedures for better overall outcomes without compromising the effects of our own approach.  I as an integrative physical therapist may address chronic pain by referring out to a psychologist who specializes in chronic pain so that my client may work with me from that approach. An integrative physician may utililize Acupuncture or refer a stressed out back pain patient to yoga instead of traditional PT.  The concept makes sense in an industry that is obviously broken.  It takes a villiage to raise a child. Why manage healthcare from the point of ego????

When I first read this month's topic my first reaction was "What care?" mainly because I feel that there really is none for mom as it becomes all about baby.  This being said, I did get to get out of the house in four 1/2 weeks after my second delivery as opposed to the 6 weeks after my first to see the doctor for my post part um check up. I guess this was care but it consisted of me sitting in the waiting room for 20 minutes while I freaked out at anyone coughing over my newborn and toddler only to be lead into the room and wait another 10 minutes debating whether I had the time to breast feed or not before I would need to jump into the stirrups and get my approval to go back to contraception, as if in fact my insides wanted anything to do with intimacy. Oh the joys of being so naive.  I actually thought that was care. Three and a half years before, I did receive a post par tum well check visit from a nurse 24hours after returning home from my first delivery because my insurance company was so great and proactive and it was part of my "Well Mommy" benefits but now I understand that this was merely their compromise to booting me and my baby out of the hospital in 48hours which could allow them to miss the common onset of jaundice in newborns up to three days after birth and so they were actually covering their butts and validating not covering a pediatrician visit until the child was old enough to take her first series of shots.  So again, how naive.  The reality is that you must look to care for yourself which means taking time to recover, taking time to adjust and being proactive about anything that does not feel right to you.  Yes mood swings happen and sleepless nights prevail but you should be getting back in touch with you and learn to seek out moments in your day or night to do so.  I highly recommend keeping a journal to jot down insight, frustrations and complications this new addition has brought into your world.  It is a way to validate your thoughts but also a way to move onto the joys among the muck!  Seek support on line, from family, from friends and breath!!!!!! You will be amazed how empowering taking a few moments for your care can be. 

The moment of Truth:

No matter how many births; no matter how many books and hours in what ever birthing class, when time comes to actually give birth there is this surreal moment where the past, present and future all meet the body to dispel the illusion of time. It is a moment when times appears to stand still. It is a moment that every delivery has but the participants may not be aware of. It can be lost among the egos in  the room, the mother's monkey mind, distractions created by opposing information, medical technology, the monitors, the sounds, the fears, the stimulants or the depressants surrounding modern day birthing. None the less, it is a profound moment of Being that I work hard to have the moms train for so that they can find it in their process. For a natural vaginal birth, the "It" is a moment , the hardest moment, just before your child is pulled from your body. It is in that moment that nature, the source or whom ever you believe is in charge of the process,allows a woman to be very close to her truth. It is a moment, that when realized, justifies all that you have done and places awe in all that you will become. For surgical deliveries, that are non traumatic and planned, I believe it comes with less intuitive connection but is still a force that is palpable and could be looked for in the moment you are opened up and feel the pressure or are verbally told of the birth of your child from your womb. It is a moment of empowerment and not depletion. In your weakest , it gives you unyielding strength. It is a moment that you are given the opportunity of a lifetime. At that moment, there is a window to a more in depth view of  your self . A reason you are here on this earth . At that moment you can come in touch with the realization that birth resides in many more layers than the physical body alone. There is something that has changed within and is again about to change.

 When I gave birth, I was not yet a yogini state of mind. I did yoga as a physical practice and so I was maybe more flexible or strong in areas but I was still very naive. I researched the birth process as a very physical one and so I had no attachment to that surge of power. It scared me when it should have supported me. I only knew that I must be in Transition when I was sooo tired and about to cry, yell or wanted to give up because that is what I had been told.

Transition:

In a natural delivery, modern medicine labels TRANSITION , when the cervix hits 10cm dilation and the baby moves into the vaginal canal, the hardest part of natural delivery and as is always the natural order, it is also the shortest part of natural delivery. Time and time again, society intuitively pick our words from truth. It certainly is a transition but not only in the physical state of the cervix and the baby but also from a place of ego and reclaiming the "I" of being one body, mind and spirit with the baby to the reality now of separating the self from the "we" your transition will become. You begin right there to take on the duty or dharma on this earth of letting go in balance with the restraints of holding on. Being a parent means letting a piece of you go. It is not about control or manipulation but about trust, love, faith and knowing full well that you will lead by your truth, your gut and the faith in the process. You will take on your child's pains and joys and while difficult, encourage necessary but difficult growth. You are a parent to another soul on this earth. You have transitioned to become that child's first guru in this lifetime and what an honor that is in return.

Becoming Mama Guru:

 My teacher's guru, taught me that a mother is a child's first guru. I wish I had realized this during my first pregnancy and I wish I had more support in taking this developing awareness to the next level of actually giving birth during the second. Becoming  Guru in yoga is an honor bestowed only upon the lucky few, to those with the discipline and knowledge of the practice, the science and the philosophy of the teachings. It is a role earned and not taken lightly. It means you are entrusted with guiding another person's soul and are empowered without ego with these responsibilities. It means that with intuition, faith, discipline, compassion, forgiveness, love, acceptance, surrender and self awareness you will be able to have and share what you need for the role and that you are not deterred by the challenge, isolation or growth this role may provide. There is something more than you. Someone or something that does not make mistakes and will therefore guide you and knows you are strong enough to have taken on the duties set forth. In yoga, your guru is your guide towards your  fullest potential. Sound familiar? .

Giving Birth with Awareness

In a very karmic way, I believe that I am doing the work I am meant to do in this life. I needed to give birth as I did to develop the passion for the work I do now.  I needed to walk away from my initial work to find my last teacher to give me the bridge between what I learned in books to what I experienced in reality. Now I can train others with yoga for birth as as the holistic body immersion program it was always meant to be. Developing a Birthing with yoga program has become a cathartic path for me toward understanding the blessings and empowerment that come to you at the edge of  giving birth. I know now that awareness should be nurtured in pregnancy, especially if a C section is the plan and that after C Section there is a level of healing in both in the physical and emotional body , due to the loss of a vaginal delivery,that may need special attention. Likewise, I wonder how one can truly feel empowered taking on a role they never felt entitled to take on or how someone can one take on such an enormous role in the journey of another's life with eyes closed and walls up?  You may do so in body and to an extent in mind but to do so in spirit is what will give you the true experience and empowerment in giving birth.  I hope all who may read this take a moment in their day to connect with their whole self even before conception and well on into motherhood. As with all forms of giving, in giving birth, or even through giving adoption which has the similar process of emotional risk and surrenders,  you truly receive more than you will ever sacrifice.  I realize now that despite the physical supports I had, the fear and a lack of emotional support in my own experience lead to me missing out on this for a long time. I offer this story in hopes more people learn from my ignorance.

When I had my first child, I was an urbanite in NYC. Always on the go, getting things done in as little time and money as possible. I was scared to death of delivery. I focused on it. I saw way too many natural births on TV  and read way too many books on how I was either supposed to love excruciating pain as a sign of womanhood or maneuver an excuse to schedule a c section and have my physician manage everything as if I were making an appointment to have my car’s transmission changed. It was summer , I was hot and still working full time as a Physical therapist which meant little time off my feet and lots of manual work. As any 9month mom to be will tell you, There comes a time when you are just done and  I was in body and mind. I did not care at that point that I was still 3 weeks away from my due date. At my 36 week visit I swore I dropped . The male MD I dread sees me as I rotate through everyone and was not as excited as I was about my progress. In fact, he was only animated as he claimed I “surprisingly” gained 6 lbs this month stating “no dilation, no effacement, it’s too early”  and with that I was no where near birth. Ieft feeling disregarded in all the subtle changes I felt restating the science of birth in my head backed by medical journal statistics and calculated due dates. I had big time heartbreak.

How things Change:

Well, the doctor says I am no where near delivery and I would know because I would then be screaming and pacing like all the books say ,right???  Fast Forward to 2 days later, I am now officially 37 weeks. There is no pain but I feel funny at work so I have a coworker take my Blood Pressure and it is a bit higher than my normally low but normal. I figure it is a panic attack of some sort. My pulse is fine (no signs of panic attack) but my gut tells me I am sick so I should go to the doctor.  Again, I say to myself, “I'm done”  

The Effect of a Welcoming Environment

Yeah! My personal doctor can see me. I trust her opinion and with 3 kids of her own, she actually relates to some of what I say . “1/2 cm dilated, baby’s heart rate normal but you seem to be in a pretty firm contraction” she says. Apparently since I was told two days earlier that my opinion of things did not count, these words posted no alarm. Nor did the fact that she placed me on a monitor for the next 45 minutes.  I was tired remember and had already worked a few hours so I was calm and at peace in a comfortable reclining chair with lots of magazines, a glass of water and my legs up. 45 minutes later I proceed to register on the monitor  “HUGH” contractions . She is baffled as to why I am not reacting to the size of these contractions and thinks I am in labor. Well, I secretly doubt it. It should hurt but I call my husband with the news and head home to rest. Yeah! my doctor is on tonight and she is not a bit worried or surprised that I am 3 weeks early. She states she will probably see me tonight.  I am excited, “Wow , I can do this”  .  I look around at the office and get scared “No I can’t, I am not ready, I need to call work, I need to get in touch with my husband”   “ I am scared of labor”  All of a sudden, I begin to feel the cramping and it is in sync with the monitor. I am being given specific instructions on not to eat the rest of today, “Just in case” but I have not eaten since breakfast.  I am excited again,waiting for my husband, still feeling funny but only a dull deep ache here and there. Then I am getting all my hospital stuff together. Now the fear returns and I wait for higher intensity pain or some scary thing called the bloody show to emerge and you know what?  “I don’t want to deliver anymore”  I want to push it off.  Doctor said I have three weeks. I fight the fact that I want an epidural but having seen one too many spinal cord mistakes in rehab, I am petrified of having a spinal cord injury which is a risk.  I know I need one so I panic, I cry and then no more pains. Well for the next two weeks I went in and out of Labor many times. In fact, the birth, recovery and post partum period followed this pattern. It is a story in itself; my entire inspiration for Belly Guru, LLC  and the root of the Belly Birthing curriculum that I teach. Doctors had a name for it called Prodromal labor but now I know, it was merely my mindset.

“The More things change, The more they stay the same….”  Proverb, author unknown

Baby number 2 came 3 weeks early in the middle of February in New York.  Again by week 36 I felt done but this time around I was more confident and liked all the doctors in my practice. I remember looking at the calendar and saying to my belly  “Come be my Valentine’s day baby” because the books stated that 37 weeks was full term and that would be 37 weeks to the day, a good compromise between my western medicinal trainings and my emerging eastern medicinal mind.  Having practiced body awareness and relaxation with yoga from this conception on, I truly thought I would have more control and decided to have less fear but the trauma of the first go around and the fact that I ended up feeling soooo awful the first 24hours after delivery with the epidural made me firm on my non use of one this time but there continued to be ignorance to how painful birth needed to be and I had a big lack of confidence to birth naturally due to “all the pain birthing baby 1,a mean labor nurse and the pelvic floor damage I now know I had but was never formally diagnosed with” . Still at the hospital , I was ignorant to doulas feeling I was not into all that feminism stuff and not sure where to turn to for information.  Funny thing, I awoke one morning feeling fine, got a bit emotional in midday , started crying to my doctor that I felt emotionally and physically done at 4pm and at 10:48pm on Feburuary 13th I  had a quick, painful but empowering birth. I could not believe I was in labor all day. The last two hours, yes; it was  definitely labor as things went so fast that nature decided I  give birth naturally. I returned home from the hospital within 36 hours feeling physically better post delivery (WHAT A DIFFERENCE NO EPIDURAL MAKES ON PELVIC AREA RECOVERY) with my Valentine’s day Baby. ----The Belly Guru