ABOUT HER
A native of Chicago, Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore is a nationally renown psychologist, speaker and published author. While growing up, she lived in Lima (Peru) and Madrid (Spain) and credits those childhood relocations with providing her with close family ties, the ability to adapt to a wide array of circumnstances and relate with a diverse group of people.
Dr Kennedy-Moore attended Northwestern University for her undergraduate degree, then earned her MA and PhD in Clinical Psychology at Stony Brook University. She received an American Psychological Association Dissertation Award for her research on causal explanations for moods.
Most recently, she has published several books including , “Expressing Emotion”, “The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends”, “What About Me? – 12 Ways To Get Your Parents Attention Without Hitting Your Sister”, and will be releasing a new book in January 2011, “Smart Parenting For Smart Kids: Nurturing Your Child’s True Potential”.
She lives in Princeton, New Jersey with her husband and four children.
INTERVIEW
EMPOWERED MOMMIES (EM): Dr. Kennedy-Moore, thank you again for giving us the opportunity to sit down with you. You have such a fascinating background having lived all over the world as a child and then attending college at Northwestern, then earning your MA and PhD in Clinical Psychology at Stony Brook University and through the years becoming a renowned author, speaker, and family psychologist. Can you share with us how you began your career and what made you decide to focus on clinical psychology and writing?
DR EILEEN KENNEDY-MOORE (DKM): I was born in the United States, but as a child, I also lived in Peru and Spain. I credit the fact that my family moved about every three years with my interest in writing (I became a great letter writer!) and my interest in psychology (I was exposed to lots of different people with different backgrounds, and I learned to make friends quickly!).
I started writing books when my children were little. The time flexibility worked well for me with four young children. (If someone was throwing up, I could just work harder the next day!) As my kids have gotten older, I’ve expanded my private practice and done more speaking at schools and conferences around the country. I feel very lucky that my different roles—author, speaker, psychologist, mother—draw upon and enrich each other.
EM: What do you think are some of the biggest challenges parents are facing today when it comes to raising their kids? -Are there recurring themes you encounter through your work and counseling?
DKM: Three frequent themes I hear are busyness, disconnection, and high expectations. I think these are interrelated. We’re all so busy nowadays, which makes it harder to get together with family and friends. So many families feel very isolated, struggling on their own to keep all the balls in the air. Yet expectations have never been higher in terms of what society says we “ought” to be able to accomplish. Because we don’t have time for close connections, we have less support ,and too often we assume, “Everyone else is managing, and I’m the only one who feels like I’m drowning.”
I particularly enjoy working with mothers, because I think our society is very hard on them: placing impossibly high expectations on mothers for ensuring their children's social, emotional, intellectual, artistic, athletic, religious, and psychological development, while belittling mothers' struggles ("She's just a housewife" or "She cares more about her work than her kids.") I think my psychology training plus the experience of raising my own four children has given me a combination of humility, compassion, perspective, and survival skills that’s useful for helping other mothers.
EM: When should a family consider the services and support of a psychologist?
DKM: If the problem is causing a lot of distress, or if it’s persisting for weeks or months, it may be a good idea to talk with a psychologist. Sometimes I hear people say, “I don’t need to see a psychologist because my problems aren’t THAT bad.” This type of thinking can lead to unnecessary suffering. If it’s not that bad, then maybe it won’t take that much effort to improve the situation! Seeing a psychologist is not a sign of weakness—it’s a sign of courage and willingness to make a change for the better.
Choosing a psychologist is a lot like picking a physician: there are lots of capable people out there, but you want to find one you can trust and feel comfortable with. Your pediatrician may have some good suggestions. Most psychologists are willing to talk to you on the phone, to help you decide if you want to make an appointment with them. Call and tell them a bit about your situation and ask how they generally deal with this type of problem. Trust your gut about whether it feels like a good match. My website, http://www.eileenkennedymoore.com/ has more information about how psychotherapy works and how to choose a psychologist who is right for you, your family, or a loved one.
EM: As a highly respected author, you have published several books including, “Expressing Emotion”, “The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends”, “What About Me? – 12 Ways To Get Your Parents Attention Without Hitting Your Sister”, and will be releasing a new book in January 2011, “Smart Parenting For Smart Kids: Nurturing Your Child’s True Potential”. Can you share with us how each book came into being and what motivated you to write the latest one?
DKM: I co-authored my first book, Expressing Emotion (Guilford Press), for mental health professionals, after graduate school. It has 47 pages of references, and I wrote the bulk of it typing one-handed while nursing a baby, but it enabled me to keep my finger in my field while I was home with young children.
After that, I started writing for parents and children. I felt this would enable me to reach a much wider audience, plus it’s more fun than writing for professionals! I co-authored The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends (Little, Brown), because friendship is such an important issue in children’s lives. This book describes nine typical children who struggle socially, such as The Short-Fused Child, The Shy Child, The Born Leader, or The Little Adult. It offers parents practical strategies to help children learn the social guidelines they haven’t managed to pick up on their own. This book has been translated into Portuguese, Chinese, Korean, and Estonian and has also been used by schools for character education programs.
Next, I wrote a children’s picture book, called What About Me? 12 Ways to Get Your Parents’ Attention Without Hitting Your Sister (Parenting Press). This is my sentimental favorite, because it was inspired from life! When my son was a frisky four-year-old, he got into trouble way too often for hitting his sister. As a mom and a psychologist, I knew that one of the best strategies for handling children’s misbehavior is to teach them positive ways to ask for what they need. So, I made a little booklet out of index cards for my son, showing kind, helpful, and creative ways to get my attention. This booklet was the basis for What About Me?, which has won a number of awards and has been endorsed by many parenting experts, including Nanny Deb from Nanny 911, Dr. William Sears, and Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen. What About Me? offers children choices rather than rules for coping with feelings of jealousy or being left out. It’s also a gentle reminder for us parents to catch our children being good.
I’m very excited about the new parenting book I’m co-authoring, which is coming out in January 2011. It’s called Smart Parenting for Smart Kids: Nurturing Your Child’s True Potential (Jossey-Bass). Smart kids face special challenges: some are perfectionists; some are afraid of effort because they’re used to instant success; some have trouble dealing with authority figures; some struggle to connect with their peers; and some are outwardly successful but don’t feel happy. This book explains why and offers practical ways that parents can help.
EM: If you had to look forward a decade, how do you hope your work will have influenced parents?
DKM: I hope that I will have offered parents a compassionate understanding of their children and themselves. Through my work, I try to give families not only hope, but also specific ways to help them feel happier and more connected. As a clinical psychologist, it is a privilege and a thrill to be part of helping people make meaningful changes in their lives. I also feel deeply touched when I get letters from parents saying, “Your book made a difference for my child.” That’s what inspires me to keep writing.
EM: Thank you for spending time with us today Dr Kennedy-Moore!
DKM: Thank you for having me, Ivanna!